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 Dear Madam,

I met your daughter five years ago. There was a big group of us meeting together to queue up for the free Starbucks coffee that they were giving away. She was a friend’s friend in a green sweater and I was a scrawny kid in a white t-shirt with really bad skin. I was captivated by her laughter, enthralled by her wit, and taken in by her looks. All of us decided to go to Sentosa to while away our time. After all, it was just a stone’s throw away from Harbourfront.

Everybody was fawning over this one girl called Helena. You wouldn’t have liked her. Goth, uncouth, and showing too much skin that it bordered on the slutty side of class. But everyone wanted to impress her.
I wasn’t one of them.

I had a deck of cards with me and the only thing that would be considered attractive was my dexterity with fingers. I could morph cards with a wave of my hand, make cards disappear and appear at will, and transform the Ace of Spades into any card you wanted. I had no idea what she found attractive in me back then. But somehow, I managed to wrangle a date with her.

One date became two. Two dates became numerous and soon, as all teenage relationships we go, we became attached.
We ventured to the zoo, taking pictures with the lions and imitated the penguins. We took a trip down to the Science Centre, discovering the world beyond us in the Imax theatre. We laughed, we cried, and we shared. And soon, I began to fall in love with your daughter. I would wake up with that hope in my heart that only love can provide and the belief that she could make me a better man.

Then, I found out that you disapproved of me. Who wouldn’t. I was from a poor family. You’re relatively well-off. I was of Malay descent. She was a Chinese. I was from a polytechnic. She scaled the heights of Raffles Junior College. I was not good enough for your daughter.

I understood. But I strove to believe that if I demonstrated my sincerity, you would be moved.
Two years passed and soon, you regarded me as some sort of an annoyance. A pest who would go away the moment you close your eyes. But I continued to fight.

Three years. Same old story.

Four years.

And you realised I was here to stay. So, you stopped speaking to your daughter until she decided to break it off with me.

I could not bear to see that. I knew how much her family meant to her, how big of a role her parents played in her life. I had to let her go. And I did.

It was the hardest decision of my life.

But it had to be done.

I want your daughter to be happy. And I hope your daughter finds happiness, even if it’s not with me. Because it’s the least she deserves.

I bear no hatred against you, no deep-seated grudges. I would want the best for my daughter too. Please accept my sincerest apologies for not being well-off, for not becoming a doctor or lawyer, for not being born a Chinese.

But most of all, I’m sorry for falling in love with your daughter.


Regards,
Han

 Something happened in recent days.

Fair skinned, jet black hair. oval lips. Willowy, as one might describe her. A loose cotton.. (or is it flannel?) shirt drapped loosely over her petite frame. A cigarette hangs off her slender fingers. Her shoulders into the shank of the wind.

"Up or down?"

Ace of diamonds and ten of spades.

"Down."

Ten of clubs.

"Drink the fucking sake, bitch."
"The whole damn thing."

I took the cup in my hands. I drink half.


"Let me drink the rest for you.", she says.

 I thought longggg and hard about what I wanted to write. I actually had it all in my mind. 




And now my mind is a blank. 


In other news, I really convinced I'm spoyt. Damaged goods.

 I have been getting a kick out of sleeping at 1ish 2am, getting up at 6.30, going through 7 day work weeks.

Slowly but surely, I will get there.


There isn't a need for a break - I think I really believe in the fact that work sets you free. This perverse, masochistic sense of achievement when everyone else around you is faltering and you're still happily chugging along.



You sleep only when you die. Oh how true.

 Cat and mouse.

Tango.

Hunter/prey


The rush you get from it. 



I need to get out of the office.

 This question often bothers me; can i trust you?

I always feel like I need leverage against you - I need to blackmail and threaten you. Its the one thing that nags at me and slowly sucks the life out of me like a giant leech.

I begin to treat everyone the same; everyone is an enemy, I need to have leverage against everyone. Perhaps its a manifestation of my insecurities, my fears and my skeletons. And the most frightening thing is, I have this tendency to see myself as a cornered animal.


In my anger, I am capable of anything.

 她会和每个异性朋友大声说笑，无所顾忌。 但是，当他们向她表达爱意时，她却开始像刺猬一样，保护自己。 她对爱情没有安全感，也不会给别人安全感。 她想对你负责，对她负责，对自己的过去和未来负责， 但请你不要轻易给她承诺和誓言。她很难相信。 她爱朋友多过你…… 她习惯在人前表现得很坚强，一副大女子主义的模样。 她是完美主义，对感情，容不得一点瑕疵。 她有时是有些迟钝的，在感情方面， 但有时很敏感，因为她在乎。 她有点懒，猫科动物喜欢睡觉的，她不擅长做家务，她喜欢悠闲自由的生活， 她不喜欢去跟陌生的朋友玩，更不喜欢不熟悉的人说爱她。 有人会觉得这个女生有点冷，她是不擅长对人笑，特别是异性。

她太自我，心里不想笑就不笑，不想说话就不说话，不想跟朋友出去玩就不去。 一定要对方先流露出对她有好感，她才散发她的热情。 她爱的永远是对她最好的那个，那个好她心里是有一个标准的。你的积分超过了那条线，她会爱上你。 但大多数人没超过线之前就离开了，或者超过了之后没等她看到就离开了。 这样的女生。 她的心脏时常会痛，就象那些碾转在自尊下的爱，疼了痛了哪怕心都要死了，也说不出口。 她独立，也好强。她宁愿忍受太多的寂寞和痛苦也不愿意跟任何人提起。 但其实骨子里，渴望有一个避风港湾，让她去依靠。但她不会承认。 她必须确定那个人是否可以承受得了这一切的。 承受她的撒娇、她的无理取闹、她的倔强、她的悲观，她所有的性格缺陷且永远不离不弃。 只有这样，她才放心，可以放心去继续做自己，不会害怕有一天将要面对失去。 如果没有，那么她只好继续寂寞着孤独着 其实她要的并不多，她要的只是一个温暖的家。 对她来说太重要了，虽然她们说，我一个人就够了，我不需要爱情。 金钱名利地位，其实她对这些看得很淡泊。 她说她希望未来的他怎样怎样的，她只不过是想要一个用努力来证明他爱她的人。 她不求结果，只希望你有那份心。也希望不是真心爱他的人远离他。 唯一具备杀伤力的只有感情，感情如果受到挫折。 要么真的毁了她们，要么真的成就了她们。从此更加漠然，专注于事业。

也许她还要的东西是自由和希望，她们努力去营造一个属于自己的并且是永远的城堡。 如果真的可以，她愿意一辈子居住在里面，再也不出来..... 因为她喜欢的自由，就是可以随时随地窝在自己的天地里。 她分手后完全不会像其他人。在人面前要死要活。 她嬉笑怒闹。变得更加开朗。在听到朋友说有关他的话题时，从不刻意回避，她适当参与，淡然微笑。 她的表现总会遭人怀疑这段感情的深浅，而人群中只有那些知道背后情节的人才看见她背后的眼泪和努力。 她从来不会在情人面前大声哭泣，除非她真的崩溃了。但她几乎每晚都躲在被窝里独自哭泣到天亮。 即使在你爱着她的时候，她也会胡思乱想让自己悲伤。 或许有人说，这样的女生讨厌，矫情。说吧，她们不在乎，谁说什么都无所谓，这就是她们。坚持做着自己。 如果你看到她的眼泪，请相信这绝不是她在博取同情，这是她这样一颗内心骄傲的女子不得己的场景。

她会告诉你，她想家了，或者学习上的事，或者不舒服，或者发神经抽风，就是不肯承认她想某个人了。 分开后，你会觉得她周围的异性多了起来。 可你不知道事实是曾经的她为了表示对你的专注，竟然傻到可以疏远那些朋友。 现在的她，只是想找回原来的自己。 当然，你大可以放心，或说的得意，她需要计算很长的时间才会开始新的恋情。 她就是这样。死要面子，最爱出风头，不认输不服软。 有时候她又充满阳光的气息，爱笑爱说话，活蹦乱跳。 她的家庭不一定很是富裕，但她都是习惯了养尊处优。 她很优秀，也习惯了掌声。 她五官或许不是很精致，但她知道自己的闪光点，你可以说她自恋，或者自以为是。 她喜欢热闹，总会成为聚会的焦点，前提是她想。 她也享受孤独，静座在一个人的房间听着很伤感的音乐。 或会有人对她嗤之以鼻，她也总是一笑而过，或者干脆当耳旁风。 她总是习惯在人前表现的很坚强，一副大女子主义的模样。 她任性刁蛮不讲道理不懂人情世故不知是非不懂事。 她经常会觉得孤独，寂寞，抑或是想一个人。 在房间里心情压抑低落，睡觉时候在床上辗转反侧，她也不会轻易打电话给任何人诉说。 一早起来，又会轻轻松松的打理一切，慌慌忙忙的拽着大衣拎着包往外冲。 她从不轻言爱，她的爱很沉默，那并非是因为她缺少那份勇气，在她的心里有一道栅栏，那就是自尊。 她看得比生命更尊贵的自尊。

如果有一个这样的女生对你说她爱你，那就代表在她的心里你的分量胜过了她的自尊。 于是。如果。 你不了解她，不懂她的好，就别爱她。 她会在真正爱她的人面前卸掉所有的盔甲和伪装，做个幸福的小女人。 她在意的是你的心，你若真心，她必然实意。 你别骄傲，因为没人可以吃定她。 她是有些迟钝的，在感情方面，如果你在她还没反应过来之前就打算离开， 那你最好别爱她，她从来不需要短暂的安慰。 但当她发现你是她要的那个人，她爱上你，会爱的浓烈， 她喜欢那种不计后果的极致，然后在强烈的碰撞中享受那种心痛感。 你说她自虐，好，是的，你可以尽情的骄傲。 因为她离开你的速度，也是你想象不到的。她的爱与不爱是忽然的，惨烈的。 她真的决定去爱了，不两败俱伤身心俱损她不会收手，当然，当她不爱了，就是月老下凡也无济于事。 所以，别爱这样的女生，她太偏激，太虚伪，太神经质，太难伺候，太不温柔。

如果你没勇气可以坚持爱她，就别爱她。

（所以我说。你爱不起。）

 After MCom in Applied Finance

MSc in Applied Economics

GMAT.

Chicago or INSEAD.

then maybe I'll consider getting married